Romans 5:5 says “And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” God reminds us that hope does not put us to shame. But I had been holding on to a hope. A hope to be loved as I am by other people. A hope to be seen and loved by someone. And that hope put me to shame. It sent me into a place of hating hope. Of being disappointed that I had held onto that hope. Of  not feeling like I was worthy of anything. That hope did put me to shame. A shame that is hard to explain but made me disappointed in myself. Shame is one of the greatest lies of the enemy. It makes us hide and cower in the dark. We hide because if people saw what we had done, if people saw how short we had truly fallen, they would walk away. Shame tells us that we are unloveable and inadequate. It tells us to hide in the dark and to not bring these things to light. But the thing about light is that it wipes out the darkness. When we hold onto the things we are ashamed of and keep them in the dark, we give the devil power to keep us there, shackled by shame. Bringing things into the light can be terrifying; but what do we have to fear? The God of the Universe already sees it and He wants to set us free from it. 

   The love I had didn’t frame me well. In a lot of ways, it showed me beautiful things but it also showed me my weak points. It showed me just how lonely I felt without it. How abandoned I felt. It showed me how much I couldn’t stand myself because I couldn’t fix it. But that love highlighted where I had taken God out of my “God box.” Where I had removed Him from the throne of my heart and filled that space with things that weren’t God. I remember asking God, “These things were of You, I know that to be true. So why have they put me to shame?”God spoke, “you have put your hope in things of Me but not Me. And that hope is not the hope I have given you.” Removing things from your God box that aren’t God is not an easy thing. It’s a pain staking process. It’s realizing that you have allowed things that aren’t God to sit on the throne of your heart. It’s so easy to allow other things in and allow them to stay when we don’t have a fully firm foundation. It’s asking God to rip those things out and actually allow Him to do so. It’s finding your identity solely in Him. 

   I realized that I had a distorted view of self and a distorted view of God. ‘I’m not some broken toy that God says He needs to fix, no, I am a beloved daughter who He wants to heal.’ These wise words that have been spoken over me throughout this race have been a reminder of just how God sees me and how I need to start seeing myself. A beloved daughter. That word “beloved”, it means that not only am I loved but I am fully seen and still fully loved. I am the daughter of the King of Kings and I need to start acting like it. Three things I’ve been continuously studying in the Bible: who God says He is, who He says I am, and what His promises are. These three things are showing me what God’s character is, who He calls me, and what He desires for my life. 

   He’s still working things out in my heart. He’s still moving and showing me things that need to be removed. But I know that God is laying a firm foundation and when it is fully built, it will be unshakable and unmovable. That God will be at the center of my heart and nothing will be able to move Him. God is reminding me to put my focus solely on Him. 

This blog was hard for me to post. It started out as a therapeutic moment of me writing down my thoughts and then turned into a very vulnerable blog. I honestly debated weather or not to share it. Did I really want to be this vulnerable and open with all these people? Then it hit me, I refuse to hide the good works that God is doing in my life and in my heart. I pray that this blog reminds you where your hope should lie and that you won’t be hindered by shame.